Parents and Teenagers: Tuning Out and Tuning In

Posted in: Blog by amy on June 2, 2018

If you’re a parent of a teenager, then you’ve likely seen eyes roll, a face buried in an iPhone and have maybe even been told to get out of your child’s room … quickly. It is not always easy to connect during these colorful years. As a matter of fact, sometimes, in can be hard to guide your child to align with the outside world. A few months ago, my ex-husband and I were talking about our youngest teenager, Danielle, who is 14. We discussed the importance of her being passionate about something — about her having an interest in an activity other than hanging with her friends. We agreed to give it some time to see what she may discover.

In the meantime, my head was buried in my phone, ironically, one morning as I delayed my departure for the start of my workday. I saw that someone who had once taught my son at Sunday School was looking to buy an old iPhone for his son. I messaged him that I had one and we agreed to meet at a nearby Starbucks. He encouraged me to sit and relax and catch up for a few minutes. His name is Albie, and he is a very kind and engaging man who had such encouraging words about my son, Ben. He was impressed to have heard that Ben got his solo flight permit last summer. As we talked further, he asked about my daughters’ interests. I explained that my daughter Emily is involved in everything and is so passionate about all that she does. Then, I explained how Danielle’s dad and I are trying to help her find “her thing.” He immediately said, “She should learn to play the ukulele.” 

This is the second moment of the day in which the Universe was clearly lining things up for us. First, the iPhone transaction was perfect timing as I was just about to list it on ebay. Now, this with the ukulele, an instrument, I explained, in which my daughter actually had previously expressed mild interest. Not only did Albie think it would be a great idea, but his 20-year-old son Sam, who was home for the year before entering the Berklee School of Music in the fall, was available to teach lessons. As a believer in timing and the energy of the world, I didn’t hesitate: I booked a lesson for Danielle the following day.

Danielle and Sam playing their ukuleles

Danielle was reluctant as we headed to Sam’s house that first time. She was frustrated that I was “making her” take lessons and she was anxious about what that would entail. But, the minute the door opened and Sam’s patient, good-hearted energy filled the room, she seemed immediately at ease. Albie and I stepped into the kitchen and talked music and poetry while Danielle learned the chords from Sam and started to play. 

On the way home, Danielle had her earbuds out of her ears (a rare sight) and she laughed and talked with me. We listened to music and sang together. It was the most connected I had felt to her in a while. I owed it all to random, beautiful chance: the quick decision to meet and sell my phone, the not-so-quick decision to sit and talk rather than rush off to work and the wise decision to book a lesson for Danielle the very next day. I felt that day that the Universe was truly on my side and that pieces can fall into place if we open our hearts and minds to that possibility. 

As the months have gone by, I have spent many Wednesday afternoons on the couch at Sam’s house listening to the two of them play. Danielle has memorized all of the chords, she has picked up the skills so quickly and she has been playing beautiful music. Sam always sings and occasionally Danielle sings beside him. I try to capture all of it on film, but that embarrassed teenager immediately returns with a frustrated, “MOM!!!” So, most of the moments are tucked away in a treasured spot in my mind. I love the fact that my 14 year old has an interest in old Beatles’ songs and has learned “Something” among many of my other favorites. 

Watching Danielle let go and discover something about herself during these lessons has taught me so much, as well. It reminds me to write more, to be more present, to be more authentic. Author and Psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary spoke at an event I recently attended. Her book “The Conscious Parent” asks us: “How can we hope to raise our children to be freethinkers and free-spirited if we aren’t these things ourselves? How can we raise independent, autonomous children if we ourselves are not independent and autonomous?” The answers to these questions seem to lie within the strings of that little ukulele. The answers are in my own journey and in all of our journeys. 

Sam and Meryl of the band Two Birds

Yesterday, as Danielle and Sam played Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” my eyes filled with tears. There was so much beauty in the music; there was so much hope for my daughter and her future in my teary eyes; there was so much magic filling the air. She strummed with a peaceful intensity — she was focused yet so natural. She was there — truly present. And, I was simply grateful for it all. 

As we prepared to leave, a friend of Sam’s was walking into the house. Albie said, “Stay for a minute and hear these two play a song.” He gave me that look indicating that I was about to witness something special. We sat down and there were those tears again: The music that Sam and his friend Meryl played was angelic. She sang a beautiful song that she had written. While she played guitar, Sam joined in for the chorus and brilliantly played the mandolin. It was a special moment that ascended much further than what was right before us: I felt the future. I watched these two young musicians full of overflowing talent and passion, and I felt immense hope that my sweet Danielle and all three of my children would have lives full of authentic, meaningful moments wherein they play their hearts’ authentic song. 

Sam and Meryl will be playing in Edgewater at Uncommon Ground on Sunday, June 17th. Their new band is called Two Birds.